Attend as many weddings as possible

Hope for a day when the Groom’s side calls off the marriage at the very last moment (generally, due to dowry issues or due to questionable character of the bride). Wait till the girl’s father finishes pleading the Groom and his parents, wait till he utters that magical phrase for which you have been waiting all these years,

“Who will marry the girl now?”

Wait no more, belch it out “I, yes I will marry the girl”

The whole gathering would look at you in shock; Hushed murmurs will fill the room. Go for the kill, regurgitate that prepared speech of yours. If you’ve made it this far, it is next to impossible that the girl’s father will disagree. Now the girl would be ready to marry you even if you look like a tree trunk (Thumma Moddhu). In a movie titled ‘Aadapilla’, which I remember seeing as a kid, one such poor girl goes a step further and marries a real tree trunk.

More recently, Okka Magadu and Mental Krishna were married this way. Do we need more inspiration???

Grovel, Beg and Pester

This is a very effective way and most of the girls relent sooner or later. Be it the groveling method as illustrated in 7/G Brindhavan Colony or the pestering way as shown in Idiot or the begging style as in Desamuduru, it always works. Even in real life this one has a huge success ratio. Just look around, every other love story is an example of the above mentioned methodologies.

Warning: There is a very fine line separating these methods from those of stalking and harassing (which if followed would not be very good for your bones and your health  in general, especially if the girl has a brother or too). So perfect your technique watching some Telugu movies before you tread this path.

Save her from the baddies

This method has a 100% success ratio but it’s really difficult to find yourself, the baddies and a beauty together. And even if you did, in real life it’s very difficult to beat more than one person at a time to save her. Despite all this, this method sounds very tempting to me. Well, to tell you the truth, most of the times, when I think of impressing a girl, this is the first thought that comes to my mind. I pray that a bunch of really bad guys start harassing a damsel and I jump in at the right time to save her … Ha Ha Ha. (very funny eh?)

Catch them Young

This one has serious limitations.

- You should have had that itch and the vision to execute something as grand at a young age, but since you are reading this I assume you are a grown up. If my assumption is wrong, start planning.

- What if she turns out into an ugly and obnoxious Xanthippe of sorts? May God help you! Luckily for our heroes, (Bujjigadu, Manasantha Nuvve, Mr. Medhavi etc) they all turned out to be damsels.

Stay Uncommitted

Ok…ok, this one sounds quite contradictory to the post but its true. Make yourself available, for who know a very beautiful girl might somehow be connected to you and your family. She is your ‘Maradhalu’ and you never knew all this while because there was a family feud long-long-ago and your family had to part ways with hers. Isn’t that wonderful? Just imagine, one of the most beautiful girls you have ever seen turns out to be your ‘Maradhalu’!!!!

4. Prajyam Party was established less than 8 months before A.P assembly elections because Chiranjeevi had an eye on TDP’s 9 month record.

3. Balaiah apparently tells the producers “Unnadammuko, Nannu nammuko” but it turns out as “Nannu nammuko, unnadammuko”.

2. “NTR Jr had an accident. Car ki kukka addosthe break kottaboyi, thoda kottadanta”

1. “Nuvvu Manishivaa, Mohan Baabuva’ – Balakrishna and Chiranjeevi are also commonly used to replace Mohan Babu.  Well … they might be legends.

Since then, the practice has been – You like the movie, go grab it and make a copy – Copyrights be damned. If there’s a beautiful flower vase lying around, it ain’t no crime to put some fresh flowers and sell it – has been the overarching philosophy.

Which brings us to the topic of this week’s list – The top 15 movies in world cinema which would be bumper hits if made in Telugu. All of them have in them some element which is quintessentially Tollywoodish. Given how used our audiences have been, to watching such formulaic fare, it is almost a surprise that these movies haven’t been remade in Telugu till now. Why you ask? Good question! Read on to find out…

15. 17 Again

Title – Neti Siddhartha – 2

Artists – Naga Chaitanya, Nagarjuna

Ok… Jandhyala has already tried this type of story long back and it didn’t work. SJ Surya’s ‘Nani’ starring Mahesh Babu was another lame effort which didn’t work either. But that doesn’t reduce the entertainment potential of this cute little concept. It need not be ’17 Again’, it’s the concept that matters. Any movie of this kind, (Big, Freaky Friday, It’s a boy girl thing etc) is a definite universal entertainer.

’17 Again’ is the latest movie in this list and it has the protagonist becoming 17 again to live the life he lost since he was 17. He joins the high school in which his teenage kids are studying and finally realizes life should be lived and not whined about.

14. The Wedding Crashers

Title – Maa Pelliki Randi

Artists – Venu, Shivaji

This is a laugh-out comedy with a lot of Telugu feel to it. We can change the story a bit – The two heros are not womanizers but a bunch of desperate guys who sneak into uninvited weddings in search of their soul mates. Doesn’t the premise sound sooooo Tollywoodish?

13. Dirty Harry

Title – Rowdy Inspector

Artist – Pawan Kalyan

Harry Callahan to a thug after pointing an empty gun (or might be loaded with the last bullet):

“You’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”

Now try translating that to Telugu.

Pawan Kalyan to a Thug:

“Ninnu nuvvu prasnichukovaali….uh…. nenu lucky na ani ….uh…..devuda nenu lucky na…….. emantaav?”

Okay..okay, that didn’t read cool, well it would sound so if Pawan Kalyan would say it. Pawan Kalyan plays a tough and dirty cop who uses the rules book to wipe his a**. Chasing a psychotic serial killer and romancing a femme fatale forms the gist of the movies. Truth be told, I am already dying to watch it.

12. Unforgiven

Title – Ajatasatru

Artist – Superstar Krishna

Superstar Krishna would suit this role to a ‘T’. A reformed, old and retired gunslinger takes up one last job and finally finds his ruthless younger self haunting him when his best friend dies. I beg super star to make this one. He has re-made nearly every western and 007 movie that has released on the other side of the world, why leave this one out?

Having mentioned 007, I have a question which has been bugging me since my last life? Ian Fleming named his character as 007 because he was a Russian spy and 007 was the ISD code of Russia. Why was our Tollywood bond named as ‘Gudaachaari 117’ or ‘Gudaachaari 116’? Thank God! They named ‘The Good, Bad and the Ugly’ as ‘Mosagaallaku Mosagaadu’ and not ‘Manchodu, Cheddodu mariyu Neechudu’.

11. The Boondock Saints

Title – Kasi Viswanathulu

Artists – Allu Arjun, Manchu Manoj and Prakash Raj

Fraternal twins get rid of crime and evil in their home town while being pursued by an FBI agent. William Dafoe gives a very unique performance as the gay cop, continuously trailing the twins who feel that they are on a God’s mission to rid earth of all human evil. This movie is very unique, it’s got a deeply religious ambience through out. At Tollywood, a couple of extra characters would be required though… no prize for guessing … it’s the heroines.

10. My Cousin Vinny

Title – Muddhula Maamayya

Artists – Brahmanandam, Genelia

‘Ruthless People’ when made in Telugu was a huge hit (remember … the movie Money). I watched My Cousin Vinny a number of times and every time I feel the type of comedy is some how very similar to that of Ruthless People. It’s difficult to pair up Genelia and Brahmanandam (very difficult  … indeed), but I can’t think of a better replacement for the ravishing Marisa Tomei and Joe Pesci, if you had already watched his maniacal side in Goodfellas or Casino, you wouldn’t believe your eyes and ears…. He ‘s so good.

9. Death at a Funeral

Title – Uthhara Kaanda

Artists – Shivaji, Ali, Venu Madhav, Sunil, Brahmanandam and others

There are occasions where in after watching a movie I screamed out inside myself “God, why didn’t I think of that story myself? I should’ve”. This is one such movie. It’s made on a shoe string budget, takes place entirely at a funeral and you are sure to laugh your guts out through out the movie. There is not a single dull moment. Who would have thought some thing so funny can be set at a funeral? Watch it and let me know if it can’t be made into a rib-tickling Telugu movie.

8. Enemy of the State

Title – Nirdoshi

Artist – NTR Jr, Kota Srinivasa Rao and others

There is not a single political conspiracy movie in Telugu yet, can you believe it? Well it’s sadly true!!!!. Alfred Hitchcock made so many of them, years ago. Even now, there is at least one such good film made every year. I heard Paul Greengrass has just completed making one. Some concepts of the Bourne Series were used by Bala Krishna and Krishna but someone here is yet to realize the full hair-raising potential of a good political thriller.

Enemy of the State, NTR Jr can definitely get some political mileage out of this one. After all, isn’t every movie made by most of our so called stars, made with a long term political career in mind?

7. 28 Days Later

Title – February

Artists – preferably new actors

Imagine… imagine a lifeless and bleak city of Hyderabad: Not a creature visible, not a soul around. Imagine our protagonist walking through a deserted Ameerpet Junction in broad day light wondering “Where the heck is everybody?” Wouldn’t that make a wonderful opening shot for our movie? Imagine plague infected, flesh eating zombies chasing our hero & heroine through the empty roads and streets of Secunderabad station area, Begumpet and Panjagutta. Wouldn’t that look wonderful? This movie has got everything: romance, drama, suspense, thrills, action and Danny Boyle, for sure, wouldn’t mind.

6. Road to Perdition

Title – Kurukshetram

Artists – Venkatesh as Hanks, Gummadi as Newman and Venu as Jude Law

This slot in the list was initially occupied by ‘A History of Violence’. I removed it later since I felt it is completely similar to ‘SamaraSimha Reddy’. I thought of a number of alternatives which would make a very good faction movie in Telugu: Eastern Promises, Sexy Beast etc and I finally settled on this one.

Road to Perdition is a movie which draws you slowly towards it until you are completely immersed into its awesome proceedings. The chilling cinematography, damp atmosphere and incessant rain in the exterior add a lot to the effect. Watch this movie and tell me if you did not admire it. The plot is simple and its better if I leave it unwrapped. If it’s made in Tollywood, it has to be copied frame by frame.

5. Thelma and Louise

Title – Raagini & Padmini

Artists – Ramya Krishna and Trisha

The movie has the most tragic climax I have ever seen. Oh..myyyy god, what a waste of beauty!!! Ramya Krishna and Trisha driving over a cliff in full throttle to escape an army of cops, awww…god, I can’t imagine a more tragic climax. The couple of ladies in question, one a disgruntled housewife and another with a traumatic past, embark on a road trip and soon things go out of control. With road movies being the latest craze in Tollywood, this one would be a thorough family entertainer.

4. Kill Bill

Title – Jejamma

Artist – Anushka

This is the most popular movie in this list and one of the best mass-masala films ever made. Till now, the casting would have been very difficult. Well, with the arrival of Arundhati, there’s less work to do.

3. Dazed and Confused

Title – Happier Days

Artist(s) – The 4 guys from Happy Days

I hated the movie Happy Days. I couldn’t relate myself to any character in the movie. My days at the engineering college were completely different:

• I didn’t have a girl friend (The first person I met on my first day at college was not a damsel but a distressed and bespectacled guy, a product of two years of toil and sweat at a corporate intermediate college)
• I neither did any paper presentations nor any organizational stuff.
• Our cricket matches had lot of foul mouths rather than inventive bats.
• I only bought a test papers book to study for exams, that too a day prior.
• All my friends were a bunch of dumbos just like me. We did nothing but spend days at the college canteen/Cafe and nights at the local bar/dhaba.
• If you ask me what I have done in the four years of my college life, I can’t think of a single productive thing.

I can go on and on but let me stop here. I am sure a lot of you would agree with me. Wouldn’t it be fabulous if there is a movie made on guys like us and aptly titled ‘Happier Days’? Dazed and Confused shows only the last day at high school but isn’t that enough? Wasn’t everyday the same (bunk college, get high, watch movies and bum around)?

2. The Eye (Gin gwai)

Title – Ave Kallu

Artist – Charmee

A blind girl gets an eye transplant and soon begins to see mysterious figures and dead people. She later realizes that the mysterious figures are there to accompany the dead to hell or heaven or what ever and that death is imminent to somebody nearby. This movie is a fine example of Asian Horror at its very best.

Replace the mysterious figures with Yama Dhootas, rope in Charmee to play the lead and bingo; you are sure to hit the bull’s eye. This movie has already been remade in Hollywood (starring Jessica Alba) and in Bollywood (Naina starring Urmila Matondkar). Both these remakes were absolute disasters but who knows, the story still appears potentially copyable!

1. JCVD

Title – NBK

Artist – Balayya Babu

“You made my dream come true, I promised you something in return but I haven’t delivered it yet, you win I lose ……I was wasted mentally and physically……” – This dialogue from the six minute monologue by Van Damme, playing himself, sums it up all. Beset with problems, Van Damme returns to Belgium, the country of his birth, and gets struck up in a post office heist. Boy, believe me, this movie rocks. You have to watch it to believe it.